I'm sitting in my apartment writing this as I get ready for vigil practice we'll be doing in the morning. I took to prayer in the shower: "Please help me not to mess anything up. Help me to focus and be in the moment and absorb it. Thank you for getting my family here. Oh, don't let me mess up!"
I'm nervous more than anything, but it is a light sense of it, probably because the reality hasn't hit me yet. I've been waiting for this for several months. When I began this blog it seemed like it would be absolutely ages, but now here it is and I'm not really sure how to approach it.
I was checking my phone this morning for messages and found an email in my inbox that I had sent to myself in July of last year. My past self is motivational and making me cry (yes: I'm making myself cry. I am a baby). I'm telling my future self that I will persevere through all the time and all the difficulty that I had when I first announced my conversion. I'm telling myself I'm proud and happy and excited for what I will do:
"Wear a pretty dress. Be completely present. Allow yourself to feel every emotion. This is exciting, by far the most exciting thing that will happen to you in this life. Be so thankful for all that has brought you to this moment."And I am. I can hardly make sense of the fact that I am on the footstep of a door leading to my whole life. I know it was by no power of my own that I got here, but God's and His power working through others. Also, I'm following my advice and wearing a pretty dress. Pretty dresses make things great.
I expect to be hyperventilating in the next couple of hours, but I've got to leave for now. To all those also finishing RCIA and approaching the throne of grace: peace be with you. Be present and focused on what you are doing. Cherish every moment and be prepared for the Eucharist. Maybe bring a pack of tissues, because I definitely should because, knowing me, I definitely will be crying tonight. Happy crying. It's okay.
Alright. Time to breathe.